I talk a lot about self care.

Sometimes people listen, sometimes they nod and say 'yes, OK', sometimes they say they do not have time, sometimes its something deeper. For some they feel they do not deserve it, other peoples needs are simply a higher priority than their own.

Does this resonate with you? Do you spend your life running around looking after everyones elses needs, working, being a partner, friend, parent? You promise yourself that when you have attended to all of that you will do something nice for yourself. Then, you discover that there is no time left and, in any case, there is something else to do. I confess I fall in to the same trap. I understand how busy the world we live in is, I understand that we all have a lot of demands. I understand we have responsibilities. It can be relentless. The to do list is irritating and getting it done is enticing. You are happy when they are happy, right? Wrong, and I will tell you why.

What I know is that the bit of you that is left is getting smaller and smaller. Depression sets in, anxiety rears its ugly head, the slow simmer of resentment reaches boiling point, you forget who you are, what matters to you.

If you need evidence that you must attend to your own needs first take the example of airlines. When they give the safety demonstration they tell you that you must attach your own oxygen mask FIRST.

Only WHEN YOU ARE BREATHING NORMALLY should you attempt to help others.

What should this look like in life? It should look like making sure that you are functioning fully and well if you are to meet the needs of others. It should look like delegation, saying no, prioritising the things that feel good for you and reconsidering the things that do not.

REMEMBER, when you are BREATHING NORMALLY you are so much more for yourself and others. In this order, you will be happier and that positive energy will be far more valuable to everyone around you.

On that note... I am off to have a cup of tea and a few quiet moments!

Liane x

What would it be like to be enough?

What would it be like if you no longer needed to become something or someone that you are not?

What would it be like if who you are right now was enough?

If your weight was enough? Your career was enough? Your home was enough? YOU were enough?

I see so many clients and meet so many people who are on the treadmill to nowehere, running really fast, trying really hard, to be enough. They are exhausted, they are demoralised, they are emotional and depressed. They are acheivers, absolutely, there is a lot of power behind the drive to be enough. BUT, what is the cost?

Do you feel like you are enough? What is it costing you to hold on to the idea that you cannot be happy until...?

If this resonates with you then take a moment to sit quietly, breathe deeply, slowly and gently, say to yourself (out load if you can), "I AM ENOUGH". Repeat, several times. Notice what happens. Where is the resistance? What thoughts come to mind? Gently acknowledge them and repeat again.

If you find doing this exercise that the resistance is strong, the thoughts are not allowing you to rest in the knowledge that you are ENOUGH; then take it to someone who can help you to process and release this.

Being enough does not mean there are not things you want to change. Being enough means that you can be happy before those things change. In fact, if you are enough, then you have more energy and more power to make the change.

If you can let this go you will have the space to spread your wings and fly!

SHOULD and TRY. Powerful words. The power to disempower, to leave you feeling like a failure, like you're not doing enough. Think about it, when we use those words we are talking about something we are not doing, somewhere we are not performing, somewhere we SHOULD be doing better. We are placing a pressure on ourselves to 'step up'. What if you took a moment to think about if you really want to or not.

What if you don't really care, you only feel you should to please others, to meet someone elses expectations.

Make a decision to either let it go or just do it. Take the 'should' from over your head.

In the same vein, rather than 'try' something and risk failing, just do it and learn from it, or decide not to. When we say we will 'try' to do something there is room left fail, room to pull out, room to leave it hanging over your head while you 'try' to get to it. How many times have you heard seomeone say "I should try that", or "I really should try and get to that today"? When we sit in this space we are using up energy placing a pressure on orselves that does not need to be there. Make a choice to do it, or let it go.

Do not sap your energy with 'trying'. Let go of the 'should'. When I suggest this to my clients I see them breathe, their shoulders drop, their eyes brighten, the burden is lifted; just by changing the words. Liane.

Because I like to practice what I preach I took my dog for a walk this morning to enjoy the benefits of the fresh air, nature and the physical exercise. Half an hour in to my walk we came across a very large, very muddy puddle, right across the path. To quote Helen Oxenbury in "We're going on a bear hunt", "We couldn't go over it, we couldn't go under it, we had to go through it!". It was at just this moment that my dog spotted a friend, a large, black, bounding labradoodle. As I squelched through the mud, the two dogs bounced around me, shaking, jumping, pouncing, running. I felt as if I was in the middle of one of Lynley Dodds "Hairy Maclary" books!

My dry friend (who was on the other side of the puddle) and I were laughing hysterically at the scene and the futile nature of my efforts to stay mud free! Once I emerged from the puddle to firmer land I laughed some more and hugged my friend. There in that moment more medicine than can be found in a hospital pharmacy. Laughter, companionship, a warm embrace, fresh air, exercise.

The cold, wet feet and the muddy dog all worth it!

Did you know that just two minutes of focussed breathing will flood your brain with oxygen, calm your nervous system, clear your head and help you to think more clearly.

There are many great websites which will give you detailed information on breathing techniques so I will not go in to that here. What I want to gently remind you of is the value of it.

We live in a busy, fast paced, demanding, information overloaded, socially disconnected world. I see people all the time, strangers, friends, clients, who have been sucked in to the vortex of life and have lost their ability to think straight due to stress and anxiety. When we are in this space cognitive distortion sets in. This means that our mind is thinking irrationally, our thoughts have become distorted, usually self-defeating. Staying in this space long term leads to stress, anxiety, depression and poor decision making.

When we are in this space our confidence dives, our relationships suffer, our work is impacted. We lose our power. I have talked before about self care. This is self care and it does not have to take long and it costs nothing.

So, if your day feels like it is overwhelming you, find a space for as little as 2 minutes, close your eyes, place your hand on your chest, breathe deeply and slowly down to your diaphragm. As you let the air out feel the release of the tension, become aware of the change in your posture, your shoulders, your forehead, your fists. There is so much power you can take back for yourself if you just take a breath.

I am constantly reminded how easy it is to fall in to the trap of perceiving the lives of others and making assumptions, but having it all wrong. How often do you place pressure on yourself and your experience of life because you are sure others have it more sorted out than you? Do you look at others and wish you had what they have? Do you wish you had a husband or wife as good looking as theirs, a career as inspiring, a house as impressive, a holiday itenery as exciting? Are you sure others a parenting better than you? Maybe you are judging because you think they should have it more sorted than they seem to. "Why should she be depressed? After all, look at what she has in life!" Sound familiar?

Here is the thing that I have learnt. When we look with envy on to the lives of others we fail to take in to account that persons full story. They might have a job that seems impressive, but they are tied to it because it pays well, what they are passionate about doesn't pay the bills. The house might be impressive but the family doesn't get enough time together because the mortgage needs to be paid for. The mother who looks fantastic and calm might be crying inside because she is lonely.

When you are feeling like everyone has life sorted out better than you remind yourself to be kind to yourself, and to them. We all have a story to tell. We all have reasons why some things are harder or easier for us than others. We all are a package, complete with our triumphs and our failures, our joy and our sorrow. Take a moment to wonder what their story is. Maybe your story needs to be told. Maybe you need to share with someone where you have been in life, why you are where you are, where you have been, where you want to go.

Much is spoken and written about in relation to the art of gratitude. There is much support around the value of being grateful for what you have in life. I am a beleiver in being grateful for what you have, the blessings, the good things and the joy in your life. I began to think about the value in the art of being grateful and I realised that there needs to be a bit more to the story. It is not just the value in the gratitude but it is also the building of your story. This is the story of your resilience, your strength, your courage. We must take the time to notice what we have done well in life. When we acknowledge this, and feed it, this story grows, this voice becomes louder. The story of our failings, our mishaps and our mistakes (and we all have them) becomes smaller. It can be hard to find the stength sometimes, but if you can find a seed and choose to nurture it, it will grow.

Set yourself a task, take some time each day to notice what you did well. Write it down. Acknowledge it. Nurture the seed of worthiness.

Myself and half my family have been forced in to quarantine for a few days due to a virus. The schedules have been cleared, the committments rescheduled, the body has had to slow. We have been forced to rest.

It is interesting after a few days of slowing down how the frayed nerves, tension and stress start to melt away. Some extra sleep and the world seems calmer, easier, more gentle. Less to do and the list seems more manageable. Calm is restored to the soul, peace is restored to the mind.

We are created to work AND rest. Rest for the body, rest for the mind, rest for the soul.

Rest restores us. It restores our relationships. It restores our body, our mind, our soul.

If you are tired and feel burned out, if you are expereincing stress, anxiety, depression, or irritability the chances are your soul is telling you it needs some care and attention.

Listen to it.

When we live in a constant state of demands and pressure we begin to think it is normal to feel these things. We begin to think that it is us who is inadequate or incapable.

Take some time out; every day, every week and every year to really give yourself a break. Turn off the phone, put the iPad away. Make a choice.

TAKE A REST. You might be surprised at the difference it makes to how you see the world.

Last week I talked about 'successful bumbling', negotiating the bumpy terrain of life.

One of the ways to successfully bumble through life is to understand, accept and honour who you are at your core.

Many people seek counselling because they have lost sight of who they are. Life has moulded them and shaped them in a way they did not expect. Sadness, anxiety, depression, illness and relationship issues have set in. These are usually symptoms of dis-ease. The state of not being at ease. It is our psyches way of telling us something needs to change.

If you find youself in this place, then be kind to yourself, it is time to put yourself first.

Seek some support to help you get back in touch with what really matters to you. Counselling can help you to connect the dots between where you have been, where you are now and why you are there. This is an important place to begin to empower you to make the changes to live more authentically as 'you' in the world.

Recently I had an unexpectedly amazing conversation with a lady I had only just met. This ladies credentials left me feeling inadequate. She has a successful career, a husband with a successful career, beautiful children, she seemed to be juggling it all, and well. A few minutes in to the conversation she told me she feels like she is failing at them all. WOW! It was a lightbulb moment. I realised that, no matter what your choices are in life, what you are juggling, and what you are managing, chances are you feel like you are not getting it quite right.

I found myself saying that this parenting thing, this living life thing, is kind of like bumbling along. We make it up as we go along, make the best choices we can at the time, change it around from time to time and hope for the best. Families are changing, roles in the family are changing, life is fractured and disconnected, there is no rule book. It is no wonder so many parents and people are questioning if they are getting it right.

If you fall in to this category you are not alone. If you are, I encourage you to take a step out of life for a moment and think about what really matters to you, for yourself, your children, in your marriage, your future. Write it down. Then think about what your life currently looks like. Write it down. How do you spend your time? Who do you spend it with? What are your stress levels like? What about joy? Where is it? When is it? When you put the lists next to eachother what happens? Do you cringe? Do you feel OK? Maybe you need a professional, unbiased third party to discuss it with. Maybe you need to make some tough choices.

Maybe you are successfully bumbling!

Part of taking our self care seriously is being able to recognise when we are digging deep or burning the candle at both ends.

By digging deep, we are talking about finding that last bit of patience, energy and stamina to get to a finish line that matters. Maybe it is the end of an academic year, a big project at work, the last room to paint in your house, being patient with your kids when you are exhausted. These things have value, and finding your last reserves to get through builds strength and resilience and gets things done! That is OK.

What is not OK is burning the candle at both ends for no payback, to please other people, when it has become a habit or when other people are being impacted in the process.

Are you able to recognise when you are digging deep? Do you dig and then make a conscious choice to fill yourself back up again? Do you take time to breathe during the digging to maintain your stamina? Or, do you burn the candle at both ends? Do you find yourself keeping up with the treadmill and you are not sure how to get off? Are you out of puff but feel you have to keep going?

One way to tell the difference is listening to your emotions. Are you resentful? Do you feel depressed or anxious? What do those closest to you say? If you could wave a magic wand, what would happen? That will tell you if you are on the right track or not.

If you are burning the candle, maybe it is time to take a step back and look at life. What is motivating you and your choices? What do you have the power to change? You might be surprised at what you can change, and the difference it can make.

It seems the world we live in is becoming busier, more complicated, more demanding and more socially fragmented. So many people I see seem to buzz around in their little worlds, carrying the pressures of family, relationships, finances, work and other committments. Divorce, depression, anxiety and illness are everywhere.

What can we do as individuals to get the most out of our own lives and not get swept away with the tide?

Self-care is a well known term, but how many people really take it seriously, if not, why not?

If we take care of our physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing then we are much more able to function well in the world. Digging deep, powering on and burning the candle seem to be more honoured in the crazy world in which we live, but we do not have to live like that.

If you constantly feel exhausted, drained, overwhelmed, depressed or anxious and have lost your joie de vivre ask yourself what you have been doing to take care of yourself. What would you tell a friend in the same position? If taking care of yourself seems hard to do then ask yourself, why? Do you deserve it? Do you expect it? What is stopping you? Talking to a counsellor about this can help.

if you do deserve it, and I know you do, then make a choice to give something back to yourself. Everyone will benefit from it, especially you!